TWENTY FREAKING SEVEN.
This may not be the end of a calendar year, but its the end of the wildest, most surprising, adventure filled, struggle-ridden, beautiful year I’ve ever experienced. I’m sure there have been wild rides before and many more to come, but for me this past year needs to be recognized and im feeling called to share some really important thoughts and lessons..
Never have I ever experienced such an insane year of contrast. Never have I ever felt such hardship and glory, discomfort and extreme comfort, heartbreak and profound love, felt so lost and alone, and so at home and where I needed to be. It's like I had spent 25 years gearing up for that one year to come and just test every single lesson and ounce of work I had ever put in.. it was like the universe saying "hey girl, you been payin' attention the last 25 years? cause imma hit ya, with it all" and let me tell you.. it did. The hardest, wildest things that had happened "to me” had started to define me because I looked at them exactly that way, as things happening to me and not for me. When I embraced the newness, uncertainty, blank slate, loss, etc. it was only then that I was really able to recognize these circumstances as lessons, chapters and piece together such an incredible life for myself. I spent the year saying SO MUCH YES. Becoming scuba certified, riding motorcycles, sleeping on beaches, surfing, embracing new alternative health healing practices, reading, completing yoga challenges, falling in love, you name it. I did it. I've learned that no one needs as much as they think they do, as I survived 8 months with a bag I packed for 6 weeks. That self-love is SO underrated. Your vibe attracts your tribe. You attract what you're ready for, in all aspects of life. Life is meant to be balanced, not off balance. Slow. Down. Manifestation is a real thing. It's okay to be a hummingbird and not a jackhammer. It's not where you are, it's who you're with. The underwater world is meant to be explored. I am entering this new chapter of life taking the best parts of myself thus far, abandoning the outgrown pieces, and embracing SO much newness that I am eternally grateful for.
I got rid of the idea that things have to always be forever or not at all, all or nothing. People, places, relationships, jobs, homes, friendships, experiences. Forever or temporary, there can’t be an expectation from the get-go. Whatever’s meant to be will be. It’s not to say that we don’t have a choice in the matter, but the universe does have a plan for us. The moment I started recognizing my life in chapters rather than the entire book cover to cover, things got a whole lot better for me.
Sometimes characters and homes will make an appearance just for a chapter, sometimes chapters 1-3 or 5-10, sometimes the entire thing, but truly we won’t know who and what will stay and come and go until our story is done, so we must be forever writing with an open mind, recognizing one chapter at a time and being grateful for all the in-between. Truth is, the unexpected characters and plot twists are always the best part anyways right?
The old me would feel emotions during this time of anger, frustration, uncertainty…
However, I'm truly finding it hard to experience those emotions. To hate is easy and is lazy, it’s effortless. You choose it and execute it. To be kind, that is what’s difficult and takes strength. Practice it. In the words of Rupi Kaur “wish pure love and soft peace upon the ones who have been unkind to you, and keep moving forward- it will free you both.” A friend mentioned to me that perhaps claiming myself as “distant” from these emotions is best, because these feelings can still flare up and are natural, so keeping them in check is healthy.
What’s next? Well, it’s a mystery I suppose. What I can tell you, is that I’m working towards non-striving. This is wild and new and scary for me. My middle name my whole life has been the opposite of that, striving. Life has been about the next best thing, next trip, next job, next cool adventure, which is great, but in the process I haven’t necessarily enjoyed where I’m currently at. It’s seriously wild how you can trick yourself and your brain into taking on a role that others start to assume of you. Every day people would ask what the next big thing was for me, where the next big trip was, so it’s no wonder I felt this obligation to myself and to the world to fill those shoes? I want to learn to mentally be where I physically am, at all times and in that moment learn to appreciate that life is really freaking good where it’s at. We will always outgrow things, be ready for new chapters and people and characters, but wherever you are, there you’ll be, and that’s what we have to learn to live with.
I'm filled with so much gratitude that I’ve been given this gift of time. It's like a forced sabbatical of some sort to try something new, something that I’d otherwise never get around to or never have given my attention to, and I cannot freaking wait for what lies ahead for me this year. I’ve manifested a life I’ve dreamt of for close to ten years, with characters in my story I’ve always wanted, and here they are- and I’m running towards it all as fast as I can.
